America Will Save The Planet, ESPECIALLY If It Kills Us

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Motorists stuck in a blizzard caused by the cars they’re driving.

I’ve gone from wanting snow for the holidays to wanting a holiday from all the snow.

Tonight, 200 million Americans face life threatening record cold. We’re seeing tens of thousands of flights being cancelled, millions without power and truckers stranded as our economy faces a cataclysmic standstill during its busiest time of the year.

All of this - the frostbite, the blizzards, the bitter winds are, to put it mildly, Mother Nature grabbing her crotch and telling America, “I got your Merry Christmas right here.”

While grateful I now have a rock-solid alibi for not spending the holidays with my exceedingly gruesome family, I can’t help but see this winter storm as a sign, literally from up above, that we Americans have overextended our stay here on Planet Earth.

I don’t need a ton of frozen bricks to fall on my head to get the message it’s time to leave. The planet Earth is evicting us and no other country will take us in.

It’s bad enough having America as a neighbor. The last thing that Canada wants is us as a roommate. “Sorry about your leftover Mussels Meuniere, Michel, I thought that the fridge was community property.”

Tonight’s storm is brought to you by America’s fossil fuel industry.

When you try to destroy the environment eventually the environment bites back.

And that’s why tonight’s storm is a nightmare of America’s own creation.

Americans are only five percent of the planet, yet we consume 30 percent of its energy. Even worse, we are responsible for one third of all greenhouse gasses.

There is no question that when you get rid of America you get rid of Climate Change.

What we’re witnessing tonight is nature’s immune system hard at work. Think of “Snowmageddon” as planet Earth’s white blood cells destroying a foreign antigen that’s trying to kill it, and that foreign antigen is America.

To put it another way, we are Covid, and this bomb cyclone is the vaccine.

Granted, I’m not an Immunologist and I’m not even sure what “Bomb Cyclone” actually means, but it can’t be good.

“Bomb Cyclone” sounds like that broken down amusement park ride at the Kentucky State Fair where fifty customers dangled upside down while the local fire department fumbled their ten hour rescue attempt completely covered in cotton candy and corn dog vomit.

The point is that we are being punished tonight because our planet was left with two choices: America? Or the planet? Even Sophie would know which choice to make.

C’mon America, you didn’t see this coming?  How many “storms of the century” can one century possibly have?

America’s National Weather Service calls tonight a “once in a generation” blizzard. But the rest of the planet is thinking, “Once in a generation, really?”

2022 was filled with way too many heat waves, fires, hurricanes, floods, and tornadoes that Weather Forecasters kept insisting were “once in a generation.” Whose generation are we actually talking about? A fruit fly’s?

Soon America will be frozen solid and life as we know it, here in the lower 48, will cease to exist.

The good news is that we will finally reduce our carbon emissions. We will have actually saved the planet by doing what Americans do best, sitting on our collective ass doing nothing.

Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year.