Some Holiday Cheer
Your Invitation For Office Hours
This is turning out to be my favorite time of the year (but only because it will soon be over).
I hated 2022.
This was the year my mother died. But even still, I hated it.
Inflation, Covid, Ukraine, Wildfires, and Hurricanes. It’s incredible what Kanye West can blame on the Jews.
At least Joe Biden had a good 2022. Must be his lucky year. I’m told he also had a lucky 2022 BC.
Did I mention he’s old?
I had high hopes for 2022.
This was the year I thought I’d sell a sitcom. Instead I had to sell my television.
I promised I would eat better, but I still chew with my mouth open and use my cat as a napkin.
So much disappointment
Like most of you, it feels like I’m limping to the finish line and Rosie Ruiz just jumped out of the bushes to cut in front of me.
Don’t worry, Rosie Ruiz doesn’t even get that reference.
I can’t help but think of all the friends I lost this year. But when you forget to call me on my birthday you’re dead to me.
I thought 2022 would be the year I’d quit vaping, it wasn’t. But, at least this year I only use my mouth.
I did accomplish some of my goals.
This year I walked 10,000 steps every morning trying to find my pedometer.
(By the way, “pedometer” counts how far you’ve walked whereas “Pedo-Meter” counts how many priests are in a three mile radius.)
I’ve also kept a promise to myself and my shrink by cutting down on pornography. Now, I only work with directors I know.
And, I’m spending way more time in the kitchen cooking which is saving me a fortune on meth.
But even still, 2022 was a huge disappointment
Then again, you never really know how bad a year it was until enough time has passed.
For example, in a speech celebrating her 40th year on the throne, Queen Elizabeth said, “1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure.” She then famously referred to 1992 as her “annus horribilis.”
And, I’m sure back in 1992 she meant it.
But I wonder what Queen Elizabeth thinks of 2022.
Something tells me Queen Elizabeth would most assuredly look back at 1992 with undiluted pleasure compared to how 2022 is turning out for her.
Here’s a general rule of thumb when it comes to keeping score: any year that lasts longer than you do is a bad year.
Also, who told Elizabeth “annus horribilis” were the proper words for an after dinner speech when people are still digesting their venison?
“Annus horribilis!” is what my epidemiologist screams whenever I return from a Carnival cruise and need more deworming medication.
This is the part of the Holiday newsletter where I urge you to donate to my favorite charities so I don’t have to.
If you have some extra cash, Bernie Sanders has some ideas on where to spend it.
I just want to say during this holiday season that no matter what faith you believe in, stop. You’re completely wrong.
Seriously! Stop with the religion.
You’re destroying America.
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