Mafia Princess Ivanka Trump Takes The Stand

And Brain Dead Roseanne Barr Opens For Donald

Ivanka Trump looking like a blow-up doll designed by a 71-year-old asexual America virgin living in Thailand.

The Republicans went at it again in their third televised presidential debate. Five candidates appeared last night competing to see who will be the last one humiliated by Donald Trump.  

The subject of social media got heated when Vivek Ramaswamy said he opposed banning Tik Tok and pointed out that Nikki Haley’s daughter is active on the platform. Nikki Haley shot back, “Leave my daughter out of your voice!" And then Will Smith stood up and punched Chris Rock.

Nikki Haley turned to Ramaswamy and said, “You’re just scum.” If you closed your eyes, it was like listening to a reenactment of the Lincoln Douglas debates.

Vivek Ramaswamy said he opposed funding the war in Ukraine and seemed to have said that the Jewish president of Ukraine, Zelensky, was a Nazi. After the debate Ramaswamy said he didn’t mean to say that. He meant it, but he didn’t mean to say it.

Calling the leader of Ukraine a Nazi confuses Republicans. They think that means you support him.

Ron DeSantis was asked if he agreed that in order to save Social Security we should lift the retirement age. DeSantis answered, “They’re not lifts, they’re just boots, I’m 5’11.”

The debate was held in Miami, and roughly 25 miles away, Donald Trump held a rally inside a soccer stadium. Trump picked this soccer stadium because it reminded him of the one General Pinochet used in 1973 to slaughter all those Leftists.

Trump insisted it was packed, but the stadium was half empty, which is surprising because Roseanne Barr opened for him, so you’d think the place would have been completely empty.

Ivanka Trump took the witness stand in the big civil fraud trial filed by the New York attorney general’s office against her father’s glorified money laundering operation otherwise known as Trump Org., which is short for, “Trump Org…anized Crime.”

The Mafia princess, Ivanka, had to fly in from Miami. She complained that her appearance was an “undue hardship” because it’s in the “middle of a school week” and there’s nobody back home telling the driver to pick up her dry cleaning after dropping her kids off at school.

During her testimony, Ivanka said “I can’t recall” nearly fifty times. Considering how often her father groped her in public, I’m sure the poor girl has plenty of blocked memories she can’t recall. “Show me on the doll where your father asked you to tell Deutsche Bank that Mar A Lago was worth half a billion dollars.”

Ivanka testified for the better part of the day with just one break for lunch and three costume changes. Because Ivanka is stupid, when told she was about to be cross examined, she said “They’re examining my cross? I better put on my nun outfit.”

I understand the pressures placed on her to appear exactly the way daddy thinks a woman is supposed to look, but Ivanka showed up with such painstakingly manicured hair, eyeliner, and makeup it looked like she was auditioning for Dylan Mulvaney’s endorsement deal with Bud Light.

What does Ivanka say to her stylist? “Make me look like what an adult male who’s never been intimate with a woman thinks is attractive.” You know, like Jared.

Didn’t her lawyers talk to her about optics first? Clearly, three layers of concealer screams, “Nothing to hide!”

By the way, I’m not making fun of the way Ivanka looks. I’m making fun of the way she doesn’t look.

I’m sure there’s an eye-catching woman underneath that thick finishing coat of polymers, emulsifiers, and stucco. But come on, already. This is a court room in the year 2023, not Hef’s Grotto 1979.

I saw video footage of Ivanka walking into the courtroom, and for a second there, I thought it was Dorothy Stratten filing a restraining order against Paul Snider.

Ivanka, not a good role model for young women.

The New York State Attorney General Leticia James rested her case after bringing 25 witnesses to the stand. Four of those witnesses were Donald Trump and his three idiot adult children. Sadly, their long term memories are so shot their testimony sounded like a condo board meeting at the Villages.

Ivanka was the final witness. She closed the prosecution’s case the same way she closed every deal for the Trump organization, by lying about her father’s finances.